How to bring up an open relationship: 5 tips to increase connection
Our clients who come to us wondering how to bring up an open relationship with their long-term partner are in a variety of places emotionally. At times, they’ve decided they like the idea of ethical nonmonogamy and are ready to change the structure of their current relationship. Or they are curious what their partner might consider when it comes to the possibility of a new relationship style.
No matter where the current relationship is, bringing this topic up can feel very vulnerable.
There is quite a bit of fear about hurting their primary partner or being rejected themselves.
How to bring up an open relationship: Things to consider
The idea of a healthy open relationship comes with a lot of excitement and curiosity. At the same time, the idea of changing the status quo and breaking out of the standard of monogamous relationships is scary.
What if the honest communication needed to do this well brings you even closer to your primary partner and allows both of you to explore parts of yourselves you had previously ignored? On the other hand, what if everything you’ve worked so hard on in your primary relationship all comes crashing down in feelings of jealousy and anger?
The first step is figuring out how to start having the conversation.
Before you bring up this topic of conversation for the first time, there are some things you need to consider. This allows you to bring the conversation up from a well-considered place.
Here are some things to consider before you have the conversation:
What do you actually want?
At this point, you might not really know what relationship style you want in the future. You might just be ready to see where each other stands. Whether you are curious or ready to jump right into consensual non-monogamy, it’s important to know how you and your partner feel.
What are you hoping for by taking this first step? Are you looking for some honest conversations about what type of relationship each of you wants? Or are you ready to start finding new sexual partners as soon as possible?
What is your motivation?
The second thing to consider is your motivation for bringing in more sexual relationships. Are you hoping for some diversity and excitement in your sexual activities? Are you trying to meet a sexual need that is not being met in your primary relationship?
Are you trying to fix your relationship with your loved one by adding a new sexual relationship? Is there something that feels like it’s been missing in your monogamous relationships your entire life, and it feels like this might be it? Are you trying to find an escape for a relationship issue that feels unfixable in your primary relationship? Are you trying to fill a hole that used to be filled by new sexual partners?
Is your partner being stand-offish, and you don’t know how to increase the connection between the two of you?
Where is your partner emotionally?
Many people, when they are ready to start this first conversation, have an idea of what their primary partner's current belief is about ethical non-monogamy. This is something to keep in mind.
It’s also important to keep in mind where your partner is emotionally and how is their self esteem. How are they doing in real life? Are things going well in their life right now? Do they feel good about their day-to-day life? Are they feeling stable and secure in their relationship with you?
Are you feeling stable and secure? Did either of you experience a major life shift in the last year?
What are your fears?
This conversation brings up some major vulnerabilities for both of you. What are your worst fears about this topic? Are you afraid this is a deal breaker?
No one wants to hurt their partner. But will it? Will this impact your relationships' sexual health?
When it comes to figuring all of this out, sometimes journaling can help you to identify what it is that you really want and what your motivation might be. A family therapist well-versed in open relationships can also help you to identify your motivations and fears.
If your primary partner is having a rough time emotionally, that can make it more likely that bringing up this conversation will go badly. If your current relationship is struggling and is not a healthy relationship, it might not be the time to bring up the idea of an open relationship.
This conversation doesn’t have to happen today or tomorrow, it can happen at any time. So choosing the right time in your lives will help the conversation go well and make it less likely that your partner will get their feelings hurt.
5 Tips on how to bring the open relationship conversation up with your partner
Once you’ve done the background work and you know your thoughts and feelings about this conversation. It’s time to think about how to have the conversation. Remember, for a lot of relationships, this is about baby steps. Most relationships aren’t going to change their relationship structure overnight. Here are a couple of tips to help the conversation go well:
Come from a place of curiosity
Start by approaching this conversation from a place of curiosity. You have a long time to hear what your current partner has to say and what their initial response is. You are talking about taking your established relationship and bringing in a new one.
It’s important to hear what the most important things to your partner are when they first start talking about it. Are they concerned about safe sex? Are they also worried that this might ruin something you have been building for a long time? This is not a conversation where you are trying to convince your partner of what you want. This is a conversation where you want to hear what they have to say.
What are their concerns, fears, and what is their initial response?
Make space for them to have their initial response without your reacting to it. Their first response may change or soften when they don’t feel like they are fighting to defend it right from the beginning.
Choose the right time and place
It’s important to put some thought into the time and place where you have this conversation. Difficult conversations should be had when both of you need to be well rested, have recently eaten, and have a low stress level. Be ready to pivot if your current partner has had a stressful day or just gotten off the phone with a parent.
Be clear about what you are not saying
Often, the partner who is not bringing up this conversation is taken off guard and starts to hear the words their partner is saying from a place of fear. They aren’t hearing, ‘let's thoughtfully and carefully open our relationship up to possible new sexual partners.’ They are hearing sexual anarchy where everyone gets hurt, and their needs and feelings are not taken into account.
So instead of hearing the actual words their partner is saying, they hear with their insecurities and fears. Sometimes they are even hearing their partner say they want to break up or that their partner is not happy with their current sex life.
They might interpret it as a sign they aren’t good enough and see the request to open the relationship as an outright rejection.
In the moment, your current partner may not be able to hear it, but it is still important to tell them what you aren’t saying. You aren’t saying you want to break up, for example. This list of what you are not saying is deeply personal to each relationship, but it’s important to talk about this so that your partner can see more clearly where you are coming from.
Bringing in new partners will have unique challenges, but you aren’t trying to get out of the current relationship.
This is an ongoing decision
Remember that the conversation you are having today is not the end. Whether your established partners' response was a maybe, yes, or no, this conversation is ongoing.
This conversation is just the beginning. Allow your partner to tell you how they feel and what they want. Try to give them as much time as they need to process your request.
If you start pressuring them in this first conversation, your partner will often push back because they don’t have the time to think about how they feel. Allow them to have the space to explore their thoughts without shutting down or saying no just because they aren’t given the space to explore what yes might look like.
You have plenty of time to explore the ideas around ground rules and boundaries. For now, allow them to have their first reaction so you can get the conversation started.
Stay in the conversation
Often, allowing the kinky side of yourself out to a partner is a very vulnerable place. If things aren’t going well or even if they are going pretty smooth it can be hard to stay in the conversation. Often, people find themselves just listening to their partner just to come up with a response, or they get stressed/angry/hurt and check out of the conversation.
This interferes with your ability to have good communication because you are not actually present and hearing what your partner is saying. This initial conversation is about hearing each other out and understanding where the other person is coming from.
Often, if you leave the conversation emotionally is when the conversation itself breaks down.
Remember, this conversation is just the beginning. Even if your partner likes the idea, you aren’t going to have it all worked out in one conversation. You both might need some time to think things through before you continue to have the conversation.
There is a possibility that despite doing your best to have everything prepared and trying to communicate in a way that feels supportive and clear, everything might go south. If this is the case, there are a couple of ways to get things back on track to where you are both hearing each other.
What to do if the conversation breaks down
Your partner saying no is not necessarily a conversation breakdown. If your partner becomes extremely upset, lashes out, shuts down, or you do the same, it’s definitely a breakdown in good communication.
When and if either or both of you become upset, the first step is to take a break. This break can last a full day, or it can be about 15 minutes. The idea is to take the time for your pulse to slow and your mind to stop racing. Spend this time doing things that calm you down instead of running the conversation over and over in your head.
When you come back to the conversation, remember your partner's reaction is not personal. Try to continue to stay in the conversation and hear the things they are talking about.
Some people find that it helps them to stay present and focus if they repeat back what they hear their partner saying back to them.
This helps both of you to make sure you are on the same page.
Continue to pay attention to how both of you feel, and whenever things escalate, take another break until you are both calm again.
Couple’s therapy in Washington, D.C., to figure out how to bring up an open relationship
For some couples, no matter how hard they try, the conversation just keeps getting out of control. This is a sign that you might need the help of a neutral party, such as a relationship therapist.
You might even decide to work with a therapist from the beginning when you are deciding how to bring up an open relationship.
A relationship therapist with expertise in polyamorous relationships can help these conversations and open relationships to be more successful. They can help make sure both of you feel heard and understood in the initial conversation. A good family therapist who understands open relationships can help you be successful by teaching you good communication skills and helping you develop ground rules that work for your established relationship.
Ready for a therapist’s help on how to bring up an open relationship? Set up a free consultation here with a therapist at the Center for Intimacy and Relationships.
