Communication tips from a sex therapist in Washington, DC
Looking for some help communicating with your partner about sex? Direct and effective communication surrounding sex and intimacy is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. At the Center for Intimacy and Relationships, we recognize how difficult these conversations can be. Here are some tips and strategies from the experts.
Five steps for communicating with your partner about sex:
Talking about sex can be hard, even with your own partner. Many people avoid it - which usually makes the issues even harder to talk about. Here are some ideas from our qualified sex therapists to help it go as smoothly as possible.
Prioritize mutual respect, safety, and trust through the creation of a judgement-free conversation zone. By setting shared expectations and boundaries which all parties can agree to, emotional safety can be better established. Statements such as “I want to understand your perspective about sex” assists in setting the groundwork for fruitful conversations about sex.
Use “I” statements when sharing. Accusatory language, such as “You never…,” often intensifies defensiveness and inflicts blame on the receiving party. Instead, try using language which invites intimate connectivity, such as “I’ve been feeling somewhat distant from you, and I’m craving greater closeness with you.”
Strive for curiosity as opposed to assumption-making. For example, if your partner(s) presents as sexually withdrawn and you want to understand more, begin by asking open-ended questions, such as “How do you feel about our level of intimacy lately?”
Practice active listening. Active listening is a helpful and well-researched communication technique which involves being fully present in communication. Other components of active listening include recognizing and responding to verbal (e.g. giving and receiving validation, asking clarifying and probing questions) and non-verbal (e.g. eye contact, posture, facial expressions, etc.) cues. Active listening builds empathy, trust, and deepens mutual understanding, especially when discussing sensitive topics.
Respect boundaries and consent. It is imperative that partners’ can explicitly communicate personal and interpersonal sexual boundaries prior to engaging in intimate acts. Consent is key in any sexual relationship, regardless of relationship or marital status. Consent is free-flowing, ongoing, and enthusiastic, and requires both verbal and non-verbal communication.
Five things to avoid when communicating with your partner about sex:
Even when you use all the tools above, communication can still be tricky. Here are some common mistakes, and what to do instead.
Don't avoid sexual communication altogether! Talking about sex can be uncomfortable and taboo for many, but avoiding conversations about sex and intimacy is the least helpful course of action. Also, avoid viewing communication with your partner about sex as a one time conversation. Instead, think of it like an ongoing series of conversations that you will have over the course of your relationship.
Avoid allowing one partner to over-shadow other partners’ wants and needs. Healthy sexual communication involves mutual sharing, listening, and validation about both partners perspectives.
Avoid bringing up sex during heated arguments. Doing so can easily escalate tensions, pre-existing points of conflict, and defensiveness. Additionally, this may likely shift the focus from genuine understanding and connection to weaponized conflict. Instead, choose a quiet time in your day together, or intentionally set aside a specific time and place.
Avoid bringing up past partners in communication in an effort to draw comparisons. This behavior can create discomfort, insecurity, and resentment. Instead, focus on your current relationship by celebrating what is working and invite space to build on those positives.
Don’t expect immediate resolutions. Many people require space for processing, especially about sexy. By allowing your partner the time and space to process as needed, you are avoiding potentially overwhelming your partner and inviting a more welcoming space for discussion.
Can sex therapy assist couples in improving sexual communication?
What if communication gets stalled or you just need more help? That’s where sex therapy comes in. Sex therapy (either as a couple or on your own) with a licensed therapist can be a very effective tool in helping people communicate about sex and intimacy. While sex therapy may improve the physical components of sex between partners, sex therapy also helps couples to talk freely and honestly about sex in a respectful and effective manner.
Here are some things that a sex therapist can help you with in session.
Creating a safe space for open dialogue
A sex therapist provides a neutral, judgement-free environment where both partners can share honestly. By bringing in a neutral third-party clinician, dialogue between participants is mediated, allowing for reciprocal levels of sharing and open communication without fear of rejection, blame, or shame.
Building communication skills
If communication regarding sex and intimacy feels challenging within your relationship, sex therapy can assist by teaching participants invaluable communication tools and techniques which can be practiced and modeled within the confines of a safe and welcoming therapy session. Although communication tools are best tailored to individual couples, examples may include practicing active listening, giving and receiving feedback, and the use of “I” statements. Sex therapy involves practice, such as assigned “homework,” with targeted guidance which can be built upon in future therapy sessions.
Normalizing the conversation
If you feel hesitancy or internalized shame surrounding sexual communication with your partner(s), you are not alone! Many couples struggle to facilitate effective communication about their sexual practices as the topic of sex often feels taboo. Sex therapy can reduce these societal stigmas and assist couples in normalizing such conversations, leading to greater feelings of empowerment as both individuals and partners.
Addressing underlying issues
Although sex therapists specialize in clinical services related to sex and intimacy for couples or partners, the team of licensed clinicians at the Center for Intimacy and Relationships are also well-versed in accompanying challenges, such as trauma, mental health diagnoses, and complex personalities. If anxiety or past sexual experiences are creating barriers to open and effective sexual communication for you and your partner(s), sex therapy can address such underlying challenges in conjunction with targeting specific goals and objectives related to improving sex-related communication.
Fostering mutual understanding and connection
By learning to communicate needs, wants, and boundaries, partners often feel more emotionally secure and connected, both of which strengthen sexual satisfaction and intimacy. Sex therapy encourages sexual communication to foster a healthy and intimate relationship.
Take the Next Step
Our experienced clinicians are ready and eager to assist you and your partner(s) on your journey towards improved sexual communication practices.
Schedule a free video introduction with one of our therapists at the Center for Intimacy and Relationships.
