A polyamory therapist helps polyamorous people process normal relationship feelings either individually, as a couple, or in a group.
Polyamory is defined as ‘many loves.’ Polyamory, which includes consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and ethical non-monogamy (ENM), is a relationship structure that allows one or more partners to have other romantic and/or sexual partners. A hallmark of polyamory is the clear and explicit consent of everyone involved.
There are as many types of polyamorous arrangements as there are people. Some arrangements may include sexual relationships with other people, but not romantic partnerships. While other polyamorous relationships may be the opposite. One of the benefits of polyamory is that the people involved decide what works best for them.
Whether you’re just talking about opening up your relationship to more than one person or you’ve already done so, there are a lot of reasons people are specifically searching for a polyamory therapist.
Polyamorous relationships can be complicated emotionally, because there are a lot of feelings to explore. If you’re new to polyamory, there is probably a lot of fear and excitement, but also questions about how to make this work.
This is where therapy comes in: to help you make sense of it all and process feelings as they come up.
Who does a polyamory therapist work with?
A polyamory therapist works with polyamorous people, sometimes individually, and other times as a couple or polycule. Polyamory therapists can work with all forms of CNM, ENM, and open relationships.
As therapists who specialize in relationships (including both open and closed relationships), we work with individuals, partnerships, and the people involved in all relationship structures. We can work with whoever would benefit from therapy, whether it’s one person, a pair, or a whole group. Whether it’s all members of a polycule or just one.
If you are exploring the idea of polyamory and wondering how it would affect your relationship dynamics, we can work with you in individual therapy. Or if this is something you are curious about in your current relationship, we can work in couples therapy to figure out if it is something the two of you want.
We can also help you explore your attachment styles, emotional intimacy, and current ability to trust.
A polyamory therapist can help you communicate your interest in polyamory with your partner. We can also help if you have been polyamorous for a while and need help processing some current bumps you’re experiencing.
Relationships of any kind often force you to face the feelings you might otherwise be able to ignore, and a good therapist can help you examine these feelings, process them, and learn more about yourself.
What is unique about a polyamory therapist is that they’re supportive and affirming of all relationship structures. Here at the Center for Intimacy and Relationships, we value both non-monogamous and monogamous relationships. We can help you and your partner(s) determine what works best for you.
What can a polyamory therapist help you with?
A therapist who specializes in polyamory can help you at any stage of your journey and meet with all or some of your partners. But what can they help with?
Here are some typical issues that a polyamory-affirming therapist can help you with if you are just beginning to explore this option:
Transition to opening up your relationship
A polyamory therapist can help you figure out individually if an open relationship is something that you’re interested in exploring, or if engaging in a relationship with a polyamorous partner is something you want. Once you’ve decided what you want, a therapist can help you process this and put it into action with your current partner.
Your therapist can also help you to re-establish the goals and values of your relationship while you are in the midst of this relationship expansion. They can help you define what’s important to the two of you when monogamy isn’t part of the relationship.
Couples therapy can help to figure out if both of you are interested in polyamory and process the feelings that come up around this transition.
Figuring out guardrails
Many start opening up their relationship and believe that setting rules will prevent either member of the relationship from getting hurt. The truth is that while you’re figuring this out, both members of the couple might get hurt unintentionally, even if there are clear rules and consent in place.
As discussed in our previous blog about opening up your relationship, the best way to approach this is by setting up general relationship agreements based on the new values of your relationship. These agreements may involve boundaries to keep everyone healthy through safe-sex practices, or respecting others by utilizing appropriate time management.
A polyamory therapist can help you with this if it just feels overwhelming or the two of you need a neutral person to help you figure out relationship agreements that feel acceptable to both of you.
Processing jealousy
Jealousy can show up in any relationship, whether monogamous or not. When you add more than two people to a relationship dynamic, it’s even more likely to come up.
A polyamory affirming therapist will recognize that jealousy is a natural part of the process and is not a sign that you are doing it wrong or that there is something wrong with any of you.
Your therapist will help you learn to embrace jealousy and learn how to keep it from taking over when it comes up. They will also help you explore your boundaries, so that you can amend your relationship agreement if needed. Jealousy may offer a clue about your own internal boundaries and limits, which will be respected in therapy.
Looking at jealousy from a non-judgmental perspective will help you to continue to move forward.
Other emotions that may come up
Watching someone you care about love more than just yourself will often bring up comparison and insecurity. It can be hard to watch someone else have that new relationship energy (NRE) without it feeling as though it is taking away from the relationship you currently have.
A therapist who specializes in diverse relationship structures will not judge or blame your open relationship. Instead, they will help you learn to recognize, understand, and process those feelings.
You will also learn how to cope with these feelings when they come up so that you are aware of them and learning how to move through them.
Navigating relationships with metamours
Navigating new relationships with metamours (which are your partner's partner(s)) can be challenging. Some people find having metamours to be a bonus to polyamory, whereas others find it conflicting. It often depends on the people involved and their communication styles.
A therapist can help you to talk about your metamour relationships too, not just your partnership(s).
Processing bias and assumptions made by others
Participating in a relationship structure that is different from the typical monogamy expectation can result in isolation or bias from others. Many of our clients come to us to process how that bias affects them and figure out how to move forward while being true to their identity.
This external and internalized stigma sits right at the intersectionality of other parts of your identity. Especially in the United States, this bias comes with a lot of social and familial pressures that can be hard to navigate on top of the many emotional layers that come with an identity that is not typical.
Having a safe, affirming place to process your feelings about others’ bias and your feelings about coming out as poly can be important.
Having a therapist you see regularly to help you process all of this can make a big difference in how smooth the transition goes. They can also help you to process the emotions that come up throughout the process.
What does therapy look like with a polyamory therapist?
You can go to a polyamory therapist by yourself or with your partner or anyone in your polycule. No matter who attends therapy, it will start with your therapist learning about you, your relationship structure, and what issues you are seeking help for.
After an initial period of assessment, the therapeutic work begins. Your therapist will start by helping all participants identify and recognize how they are feeling.
Then the inner work of increasing your self-awareness begins. You will explore your attachment needs and wounds, plus how they impact your relational dynamics.
The therapist will help you to learn boundary setting, to communicate issues, including conflict resolution, and learn communication skills that are genuine to yourself, but also allow you to hear your partner’s needs and feelings. They will help you to identify and develop the priorities and values that come with your new relationship structure.
How is a polyamory therapist different?
There are many therapists out there who are poly-informed and say that they are a poly-friendly therapist, but not all of them truly specialize and fully understand the intricacies and nuances that can come with a polyamorous relationship.
A true polyamory therapist will never make you feel judged and understands the poly subculture.
This means they understand enough that they can give you suggestions and help guide you towards decisions that are right for you and that will help you to be successful and maintain relationships that are fulfilling.
The experience they have allows them to understand common roadblocks. It allows them to help you prevent these issues before they come up. It also allows them to help you navigate problems as they come up, knowing what has helped others in the past.
It’s a good idea to ask a prospective therapist questions about their experience with polyamory therapy or open relationships.
Some questions our clients ask about polyamory therapy
Can I come to therapy if my partner isn’t poly?
Yes. This is a great reason to come to therapy. As therapists who specialize in polyamory, we can help you navigate a mono-poly relationship, which is where one person identifies as monogamous, and the other person identifies as polyamorous.
Do I need to be in a relationship to start?
No, you do not need to already be in a polyamorous relationship. Coming to individual therapy before you are in a relationship helps you to identify what your needs are. This allows you to communicate that information to prospective partners. Therapy can also be helpful for solo-poly people, who want to be in multiple relationships at a time without committing to any specific partnerships.
Do you work with all types of non-monogamy?
Yes, we work with all types of consensual non-monogamy, from couples who occasionally open their relationship up to long-term polycules. We are comfortable working with any relationship structure that you may be involved in or interested in.
What types of therapy do you offer?
At the Center for Intimacy and Relationships, we provide Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Therapy, and EMDR. We can help you if you are looking for help with Gottman’s Four Horsemen or building a solid foundation before you open up your relationship.
Can you see us if we are not in the same location?
No, we generally see people who are in the same location during the session because we find this is the most effective. We offer online therapy throughout DC, Maryland, Virginia, or Massachusetts. Or, if you are in Washington, DC, we can do in-person therapy at one of our four locations.
Polyamory therapists in Washington, DC and surrounding areas
If you are looking for a polyamory therapist in Washington, DC, or the surrounding areas. We can help. We specialize in polyamory affirming care, and warmly welcome all people regardless of relationship structure.
At the Center for Intimacy and Relationships, we can help you to navigate your relationship, schedule a consultation here. We serve all members of the polyamorous, kink, and LGBTQ communities with relationship counseling and sex therapy.
If you need help from a polyamory therapist, schedule a consultation.