Different sex drives in a relationship? Tips for when it feels like one partner has no sex drive
One common concern we see in therapy is different sex drives in a relationship. For many of our clients, it feels like their partner has no sex drive when their partner’s sex drive is significantly lower than theirs.
In reality, this usually isn’t true. It's just that one partner has a sex drive that is much lower in comparison to theirs.
Mismatched sex drives is quite common. Anyone can experience a dip in their sex drive or have a naturally low sex drive.
Drops in sex drive can be based on factors inside and outside the relationship
What different sex drives in a relationship actually mean
Two different types of sexual desire have an impact on this issue, which can be seen as a sexual desire discrepancy.
The first type of sexual desire is spontaneous sexual desire. This is when the person experiences sexual thoughts and desire seemingly out of the blue without any sexual stimulation. The person’s brain thinks about sex first, becomes aroused, and acts on this desire.
The second type of sexual desire is called responsive desire. This desire is arousal that occurs in response to outside stimulation. It’s often in response to something like cuddling, kissing, massage, or other types of intimate touch.
Often, the issue becomes that one partner has spontaneous sexual desire and thinks about sex as they go throughout their day, and the other partner has to actually be intentionally thinking about sex to be interested.
This can leave one partner experiencing rejection and the other partner feeling resentment, creating conflict in the relationship. We’ll discuss this dynamic further later on in this blog.
Another part of this that can make it confusing is that your libido and sexual needs are not static throughout your lifetime. This means it’s possible that in your twenties you may have been very interested in sexual activity, but there will be other times in your life when your sex drive will be much lower.
This can be quite hard on a partner whose sex drive has not shifted as much.
When it feels like your partner has no sex drive, it may just be that there is a large difference between both of your sexual needs or their current needs and the past.
It is normal for there to be a variety in each individual's sex drive. If either of you feels as though your sex drive has dropped extremely, there are some possible reasons why.
Causes of low/no sex drive
If your partner’s sex drive has dropped, there are a few possibilities why. It isn’t always sexual incompatibility or the end of the relationship.
Here are some reasons why a person’s sex drive may have changed;
Lifestyle changes
Changes in your partner's life and lifestyle may make a difference in the amount of sexual desire they experience. Things like their level of confidence and self-esteem, as well as stress from work, family, and the world, can all impact a person's sex drive.
Your partner's mental load and all of the things that they are handling may be making it hard for them to relax (a requirement for responsive sexual desire) and be in the moment.
It is also hard to be interested in sex if the person isn’t getting enough sleep, is doing too much, or there are young kids in the house who want to be held and cuddled all the time.
Hormonal or medical factors
Normal hormonal changes will affect desire. For women, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause come with major hormonal shifts.
Any one of these can affect the levels of estrogen and other hormones in a woman’s body, which can result in a decrease in libido.
For men, testosterone changes that happen throughout life can impact their energy and sexual desire.
Medication side effects, like antidepressants, can impact it even if it helps the person with anxiety and/or depression, which can also lower their sex drive. Other chronic illnesses, like diabetes and high blood pressure, and their medications can impact occasional impotence and the ability to orgasm. Both of which can impact the person’s sexual desire.
Relationship dynamics
Relationship issues also impact some people’s sex drive. If there is a lot of fighting or one partner feels emotional distance from their partner, this can affect their relationship satisfaction, which is often related to desire for many.
If one partner feels a lot of resentment, they might feel less attracted to their partner.
Trauma and sexual history
The triggering of historic trauma or a recent traumatic incident can cause shame, guilt, or other overwhelming feelings, or flashbacks that make it difficult to participate in sexual activity. (EMDR or Accelerated Resolution Therapy can help with this.)
If you think that any of these issues are impacting you or your partner's sex drive, it might be worth seeing your doctor for possible medical issues or individual therapy or couples counseling to help either one or both of you make some changes.
Sometimes a low sex drive is just that. The person's sex drive is currently low, and it doesn’t mean that it will always be like that, but sometimes it just is.
We will get to things that you can do to improve your relationship despite a low or no sex drive. But first, let’s talk about why this can be such a problem in a relationship.
Why different sex drives in a relationship is a problem for couples
Many parts of our culture view the health of a relationship as reflected in the sex life and sexual satisfaction of the couple. Even though this is not always true, many people think that when sex decreases in the relationship, there are automatically problems.
It can cause problems, but many of them are based on assumptions from these beliefs.
The partner with the higher sex drive often feels rejected by their partner and views their partner’s lack of desire as personal.
The partner with a lower sex drive feels pressure from their partner as well as a lot of guilt and shame that they can’t participate as often as they want to. They may feel guilty for making their partner feel undesired..
Some may feel like there is something wrong with them.
The mismatched sexual desire can result in one partner feeling unloved and unattractive because the partner with the lower sex drive doesn’t think about sex in the same way they do.
This pressure cycle can actually contribute to an even more significant decrease in desire.
This also creates a situation where the partner with lower desire may attempt sexual activity when they aren’t really all that interested, making sex less enjoyable for everyone.
This cycle can be broken, but open communication is key.
Tips for how to deal with a difference in sex drives in your relationship
This issue is one of the most common difficulties that couples face in their relationships. It can be very hard for both members of the couple to figure out how to cope with the feelings around a difference in sex drives between partners.
Here are some ways to cope;
Talk about it
Communicate openly with your partner about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing. This creates greater emotional intimacy. Try your best to hear what your partner has to say and don’t take their feelings personally.
Share what you are experiencing and try to be as open and honest with them as you can.
Explore other types of intimacy
For many, especially people who tend towards responsive sexual desire, arousal is related to trust and emotional connection.
If you are having open discussions about your feelings and continuing to get to know each other on a deeper level, and enjoying quality time together, it’s harder to feel like the lack of sexual desire is personal or about the relationship.
Do things together that you enjoyed in the past. Check in emotionally on a regular basis.
Even if the two of you don’t start having more sex, you will have greater emotional intimacy.
Face your relationship problems
This is another place where communication is important. Share with your partner how you are feeling.
This is easy to do when you are feeling frustrated or angry, but this is hard to hear on the other side. Have hard conversations when you are both calm. Problem-solve issues that come up together.
Working together and sharing about the hard things improves your non-sexual intimacy, which can also improve your sex drive.
When you feel more emotionally connected, it’s easy to increase physical affection and talk about your partner’s strengths, which continues to improve your relationship.
If you need to, seek couples therapy.
Deal with medical issues
Get treatment for the possible medical issues that could be interfering with your sex drive. If you think you might be experiencing hormonal issues, talk to your doctor.
If the decrease in your sex drive is new or related to other symptoms or possible medication side effects, talk to your doctor.
If it seems like it is due to stress or other lifestyle factors, try to set boundaries and find ways to decrease your stress.
Work together to see if there are any changes the two of you can make together.
Look at non-demand sexual activities
To prevent creating a negative association with your partner and painful sex, avoid having sex with your partner when they aren’t fully invested.
Sex shouldn’t hurt. If you need to engage in non-penetrative sexual activities like masturbation and talking about sexual fantasies, this can be helpful.
These tips should help you and your partner cope when one of you has a lower sex drive. But often this isn’t quite enough, and seeing a couples therapist or individual therapist might help.
When to seek support with sex therapy in Washington, DC
When things aren’t getting better, no matter how hard you try, it might be time to seek help. If there are signs that this might be more than a relationship rough patch or just the time of life. For example, if your spouse has ongoing resentment that never seems to move, or there is conflict that keeps coming back to sex, it is time to seek help.
Couples and sex therapy can be very helpful in this situation, or anytime you feel like you need a third party to mediate. It isn’t going to fix your partner's lower sex drive, but it can help you fight about it less.
If it feels like you have no sex drive or are having difficulty with different sex drives in your relationship, it might be time to reach out for help.
Schedule a free consultation with the Center for Intimacy and Relationships.
